Jesus Shoots Liberals
I think Jesus would approve of a little bloodshed. Damn liberals!
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. – An unemployed man accused of opening fire with a shotgun and killing two people at a Unitarian church apparently targeted the congregation out of hatred for its liberal social policies, police said Monday.
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Jesus Lands Airplanes?
This HAS to be divine intervention!!!!! Two guys run out of fuel in their plane, pray for safety, and land near a Jesus sign!!!
Well, fuck, I am convinced. I better go buy a fucking bible or something.
Jesus Was Cool With Nazis?
Reverend John Hagee seems to believe that God himself sanctioned Hitler’s actions in World War II, so as to result in the Jewish peoples migrating to Israel.
Or something batshit insane like that.
How could any Christian take a Reverend like that seriously? I mean, at what point does your pea-sized brain click on and say “Gee, you know, I doubt God or Jesus would have been OK with what Hitler did”? Think, people- THINK!
Jesus OK with Gay Marriage?
California legalized gay marriage yesterday… and as of yet, California has not sank into the ocean, suffered a major earthquake, been ripped apart my a hurricane, or any other crazy God (science) inspired event.
Maybe Jesus is OK with gay marriage after all? Maybe hating the gays WASN’T Jesus’ primary message of Christianity, after all?
All intriguing question which Jesus freaks across the country will ignore!
Jesus Hates Contraceptives?
“Abstinence-only teaching doesn’t work when it comes to cutting pregnancies, minimizing the cases of sexually transmitted diseases or the age when sexual activity begins.”
Jesus may hate contraceptives and sex-eduction, but he must be busy with other things, because abstinence-only sex ed is apparently NOT working!
Call me crazy. But if Jesus was turning water into wine, I’m pretty sure he was having a little sex at his parties, too.
Jesus Hates Barack Obama?
A pastor of a church in shitsville, South Cur-uh-linah posted this sign about Barack Obama:
“Obama, Osama, hmm, are they brothers?”
He defended his decision by saying:
“It’s simply to cause people to realize and to see what possibly could happen if we were to get someone in there that does not believe in Jesus Christ.”
Jesus promptly responded by shouting down from the Heavens “HE IS A CHRISTIAN, YOU STUPID IGNORANT FUCK”, readied his Jesus-Rifle and quickly shot the borderline-retarded pastor down in a short hail of gun fire. Jesus-Bullets, shot from the Jesus-Rifle, are obviously far more accurate than normal bullets.
Jesus Likes Young Girls?
Bill Maher’s take on the raid at the Texas compound and The Pope:
Jesus is a Fist Fighter?
Greek and Armenian priests get into a bit of a scuffle over the weekend at one of Christianity’s holiest shrines. Jesus would definitely approve!
Jesus Blesses Strip Clubs?
A strip club in Russia (I think) had a priest come by to bless the strip club’s dance floor.
“We wanted to improve the atmosphere – just to make things a bit more positive,” said Anna Usmanova, Studio 74’s press attache.
Yes, because a strip club without a holy blessing, is like visiting Disneyland without masturbating furiously on the Matterhorn and then blowing a load all over the kid behind you!
